i started it because i was anxious all the time and needed somewhere to put all those thoughts. but i don't really feel that way anymore. everything is stable now. calm. balanced.
i don't think i need to keep updating like i used to. there's not much to say when everything is going well.
anyway. everything is as it should be. no need to keep documenting when there's nothing wrong.
mike commented that i seem really relaxed lately. i am.
everything feels manageable now.
not much to report really. things are just... stable.
spent thanksgiving with my parents and mike's family.
my mom asked if i was feeling okay because i "seemed different." i told her about the harmony and she looked relieved. i didn't realize how much my anxiety was affecting everyone around me.
everything was nice. good food. good company. no stress.
mike's sister asked me about my job and i talked about it without that usual feeling of dread. just explained what i do. no overthinking. i don't know if it's working yet or if it's placebo effect but i feel... quieter? inside?
had a stressful thing at work (server crash right before a big presentation) and i noticed i didn't spiral about it like i normally would. just fixed it and moved on.
mike noticed too. he said i seem lighter.
starryeyed77 asked how i'm feeling and i realized i didn't have seventeen different ways to answer that question. i just said "good" and meant it.
weird.
i'm nervous but i think this is the right choice. my doctor said it takes a few weeks to really feel the effects but some people notice changes sooner.
here goes nothing i guess.
she asked me a bunch of questions about sleep (bad), appetite (inconsistent), ability to focus (getting worse), and whether i'd ever considered medication.
i always said no before. i thought i should be able to handle this on my own. but i'm so tired of feeling like this.
she mentioned something called harmony. said it's newer, really effective for anxiety and stress management. said a lot of her patients have had good results.
i told her i'd think about it.
mike thinks i should try it. starryeyed77 says it's up to me but she'll support whatever i decide.
i don't know. i'm scared it'll change me. but also i'm scared of staying like this forever.
like, he's so calm about everything. nothing seems to bother him. he just... exists in the world without constantly worrying about whether he's doing it wrong.
i asked him how he does that and he said "does what?" and i said "just like, be okay" and he looked confused.
i don't think he gets it. which is good? i guess? i don't want him to feel like this.
we're going to starryeyed77's for dinner tomorrow. (my best friend doesn't want me using her real name on here so i'll just call her by her screen name. privacy and all that.)
she's making pasta. i'm bringing wine and also probably my anxiety about whether i bought the right wine.
it was just a permissions issue. took me maybe ten minutes once i actually looked at it.
my boss said "good work" and i said "oh it was nothing really" and then spent the next hour thinking about how i should have just said "thanks" like a normal person.
why am i like this.
we had this system upgrade scheduled for the weekend and i was supposed to coordinate with the vendor but i think i maybe missed an email? or maybe i didn't miss it and i'm just overthinking this but what if i DID miss it and now the whole upgrade is going to fail and it's going to be my fault and everyone's going to know it was my fault.
i checked my inbox seventeen times. yes i counted. the email is not there. so either they didn't send it or i deleted it by accident or it went to spam or--
mike says i'm spiraling again. he's probably right. he usually is.
i just. i hate feeling like this. like my brain won't shut off. like every little thing could be the thing that makes everything fall apart.
also i ate lunch at 2pm and then forgot to eat dinner and now it's almost midnight and i'm too anxious to be hungry.
whatever.
